Romantic Comedies

There is nothing funny about them. Observe:

Insanely good looking actress: “I’m broken and deeply scarred”
Insanely good looking actor: “Don’t be fooled by my asshole behaviour, I’m actually sensitive and caring”
Actress: “I hate you!”
Actor: “I hate you more!”
**They plot each other’s downfalls and try to make each other’s lives miserable. This is hilarious
Actor: “Through emotionally and physically abusing you I have unwillingly revealed my sensitive side”
Actress: “Through emotionally and physically abusing you I have become whole again and am now loveable”
Actor: “Lets get naked”
**They do
But as you’ll remember they were previously planning each other’s demise, how could this backfire? I’ll tell you.
Tactless extra: “Hello, my role is to expose the evil plot of the one actor to the other. Stereotypically it would be the man breaking the woman’s heart, but in our modern society, heart breaking is now acceptable for both sexes.”
Victim: (looks hurt) "I can’t believe you did this!"
Asshole: Instead of explaining that I did this back when we hated each other, I will just hang my head and remain silent.
**Sad music plays, for some reason it is necessary for someone to cry in the rain
Victim: “I’m so lost”
Friendly bartender: “Wow, if only there was someone to help you find yourself again”
Victim: "Oh my god, I’ve made a huge mistake! Watch me make a grand gesture to prove my love for the asshole"
**A grand and extravagant gesture is indeed made. Most of the time, this includes an airplane.
Victim (very publicly and usually with tears glistening in eyes): "I love you. Can you ever forgive me and take me back"
Asshole: "Wait, I though you were angry at me, why are you asking for forgiveness? In fact is there any suspense in this moment at all? What am I even doing on this airplane?”
Victim: “Well if you don’t take me back I’ll be alone and rejected on an airplane.”
Asshole: “Hang on, you got all the way from the city to the airport, found the right terminal, the right boarding gate, got through all the queues and customs and forced your way onto an airplane in the time it took for me to put my bag in the overhead compartment?”
Victim: “Love knows no laws of time”
Asshole: “There’s one last thing I don’t understand, if I supposedly broke your heart, why have you A) returned to me and B) acted like you’re the one in the wrong? Isn’t that sending a terrible message?”
(Silence, crickets chirp(
Victim: “Kiss me you fool”
**They kiss and usually get an applause from the surrounding spectators, then ride off into the sunset. If you look around the movie theatre at this point you will see soppy smiles on the face of every single person, because true love has conquered all. Now let me point out what everyone else had failed to notice.

What happens after they ride off into the sunset? The movie ends and they live happily ever after? This whole movie was all about how hard it was for these two people to get together; can you imagine how turbulent the actual relationship is going to be!? Why do people get divorced? Because, although it looks very glamorous on the big screen, any relationship that goes through so much before it has even started is doomed from the start. The lesson: they piss me off.