New Moon: Abridged Script

**Bella wanders around being a morbid little bitch

**Jacob walks in. the audience explodes with giggles and general orgasm noises

Jacob: my teeth are really freaking white

-Jacobs teeth sparkle-

**Edward sparkles silently in the background looking constipated

Edward: Bella, I’m leaving you

Bella: Wh- ha- bu- y-

Edward: You should really see someone about that stutter of yours

Bella: don- i- wh-

Edward: I’m leaving

Bella: I’m coming

-mentally disturbed people like me find this really funny-

Edward: I don’t want u to come

-mentally disturbed people like me find this incredibly funny-

**Edward leaves. Bella acts mildly more depressed than usual and orgasms in her bed while her dad listens

Bella's dad: This is not normal

Bella: The fact that I’m so hung up on someone who wanted eat me?

Bella's dad: No, the fact that my daughter's boyfriend disappeared without warning, and I then found her passed out in a forest by herself and since then she has been in a black depression and apparently has terrifying nightmares, but I don’t suspect that she may have been raped or abused in some way to traumatise her so

Bella: If I go see a movie will you leave me alone?

Bella's dad: A famous ladies man like me has no time for you anyway

**Bella does stupid, dangerous things in order to see a slightly paler version of Edward that shows up to protect her. Despite the audience's belief that it’s really Edward watching over her, in reality she is actually just crazy. In the meantime she makes friends with Jacob

Jacob (teeth sparkling): I-

-the audience giggles-

Jacob: I-

-the audience orgasms-

Jacob: Does anyone even care what I say in this movie?

Audience: No. Just take your shirt off.

-He does-

**Bella is vaguely tolerable for about 3 minutes but then Jacob freaks out and disappears

Bella: Why have u stopped talking to me?

Jacob: I can't tell you!

Bella: Just tell me!

Jacob: Ok. I’m a werewolf.

Bella: Oh snap!

**Bella gets stalked by a ginger and then jumps off a cliff and Jacob saves her instead of just letting her die

Jacob: I hate myself

Bella: Maybe we should stop hanging out, I’m rubbing off on you

**they almost kiss for about the 100th time but don't because they had to save something good for the next movie

**Bella walks into Alice

Alice: BELLA!? You’re alive. WTF?

Bella: What? Oh no, I jumped off a cliff for fun

Alice: You’re an idiot. What does my brother see in you?

Bella: I’m the only person as sulky and intense as him

**Jacobs jaw glands move up and down. They almost kiss again but the phone rings

Alice: Edward thinks you’re dead and has gone to kill himself even though he left you and it makes absolutely no difference whether you’re dead or alive

**Bella goes to save Edward

**Edward walks into the sunlight exposing his terrifyingly fucked up and disproportioned nipples

Bella: Noooooooooo!!! You have to get inside, we can't make the audience look at them any longer

**Dakota Fanning shows up and everyone is terrified that she's not a little kid anymore

Aro: I’m annoyingly cheerful. How extraordinary!

**There is a hardcore fight where Edward Bella and Alice almost die. Finally Alice realises she can stop this by showing Aro a hilarious vision of Edward and Bella running in the woods. Aro wets himself laughing and they are set free

**Bella convinces Edward’s family to turn her into a vampire and finally grows some balls and tells Edward to shut up

Jacob: WTF. I spent months putting up with your emo bullshit and being saintly to you, and then you ditch me for this jerk with a carrot up his sparkly asshole?

Bella: Pretty much

**Jacob’s heart gets ripped into pieces. Bella and Edward act intense and moody for a while

Edward: Marry me, Bella

-the end-

**The audience is mortified, but its ok because in a year’s time we all get to come back and do it all again!