Laziness

Today I realised that if I'm any indication of Human Evolution, we're not going to survive very long.

I've discovered that I'm only able to manage daily tasks in small stages, regularly punctuated with episodes of internet surfing. This is the getting ready cycle:
Step 1: wake up
Step 2: internet
Step 3: bathroom
Step 4: internet
Step 5: food
Step 6: internet
Step 7: get dressed
Step 8: internet
Step 9: hair
Step 10: internet
Step 11: makeup
Step 12: internet

And so it goes on. By the time I am fed and ready to leave the house, half the day is over.

It's surprising actually, that I get anything done at all, as it has become clear to me of late that my laziness far outweighs my survival instincts. Take yesterday for example:

I was in the kitchen looking for food, and I couldn't find anything to eat instantly, such as a packet of chips or a chocolate bar. My mom suggested that I make myself a bowl of 2 minute noodles. I didn't even consider this preposterous idea. Cook? For 2 minutes? Wait?! For 2 minutes?! No, even my body's need for food could not convince me that it was worth it to expend effort. The fact that I'd rather starve than spend 2 minutes preparing food proves that I'm only alive due to some combination of luck and other people's willingness to expend their own effort to keep me alive.

I will now make use of creative imagery to emphasise this point.

Imagine you're fishing. It's a beautiful summer day, you've already caught a bucketload of spectacularly huge fish. You get a bite, reel it in, and dangling pitifully before you is a fish so pathetic it can only be described as the runt of the entire fish species. You feel sorry for this fish. So, you throw it back. But it doesn't land back in the water. It lands on a rock, just slightly out of the water. You figure that pretty soon it will start to jump around and land back in the water - then swim off to live its life. You wait. The fish just lies there. Eventually you realise that unless a large wave washes the fish back into the ocean, it is just going to lie there until it dies. You realise that in order to save this fish's life, you are going to have to swim over there and place it back in the water yourself or it will perish. The fish might not care enough about it's survival to make an effort, but you do!

I'm the retard fish. Luckily for me, someone is always willing to swim out and put me back in the water; and if not a wave comes along eventually and washes me back to safety.

Today, the universe threw me a wave.


I had eventually convinced myself to go to the kitchen and make myself some 2 minute noodles. But when I got there, my world came crumbling down. We had no 2 minute noodles. "Oh no," I thought, "I'm going to starve." Just then I remembered that there was an old stale bread roll in my room, which I had been too lazy to throw away. Although my body would probably be unhappy with me for feeding it a stale, moldy bread roll, I had no choice - preparing food was no longer an option. You see, by the time I was able to convince myself to get out of bed and make food, I was so hungry that I couldn't wait. I had accepted my fate: starve, or eat the moldy leftovers. I was prepared to starve, or ingest flesh eating mold for my laziness.

Just when I was about to give up, I found a packet of cheese Doritos.

I will live to see another day.