Tron

Little Sam Flynn and his dad, Jeff Bridges are talking.

Jeff Bridges: Son, this scene is to show that you and I have a close relationship, so that when I disappear in the next scene it will be even more upsetting. And also so I can tell you about the GREAT WARRIOR: TRON!

Sam: I love you Dad! Don’t ever ever ever leave me! One day we will fight together alongside the LEGENDARY TRON!

-Jeff Bridges goes missing and his company, Encom, is taken over by some dude. Sam gets adopted by Jeff’s friend, Bruce Boxleitner-

-Grown up Sam rides a motorbike for a while, and steals some software from Encom. Because everybody knows that hackers have more fun. He then gets arrested but appears to spend no time in jail and goes home to find Bruce Boxleitner in his house-

Bruce: Sam, I got paged by your dad yesterday, ISN'T THAT WEIRD!? I think you should go over to his old office and find out what’s up.

Sam: Really? In twenty years no-one thought to go check out his office? What if he had just accidentally locked himself in?

-Sam hacks into his Dad’s computer and gets teleported into a DIGITAL WORLD-

Digital Babes: Sam, this is your IDENTITY DISC! It contains all your information!!

Sam: What do I do with it?

Digital Babes: Throw it at people to make them disintegrate of course! There aint no better weapon than INFORMATION!

-Sam fights badly for a while and then runs into RIDICULOUSLY PHOTOSHOPPED JEFF BRIDGES-

Sam: DAD! I’ve finally found you!

Ridiculously Photoshopped Jeff Bridges: I’m not your father and I want to kill you. Let’s have a motorcycle race…. TO THE DEATH!

-A badass motorcycle death match ensues before THAT CHICK FROM HOUSE pitches up and rescues Sam, taking him to his real father-

Real Jeff Bridges: Son! I’ve missed you so much! Let’s eat!

-They make awkward conversation over supper-

Sam: Good to know that awkward family dinners happen in every sort of world! So Dad, why’d you abandon me to run around in a digital deathtrap?

Real Jeff Bridges: I created this entire world, and I created RIDICULOUSLY PHOTOSHOPPED JEFF BRIDGES to run things while I was in the real world. Unfortunately he has now taken over and become an evil dictator.

Sam: Ah, artificial intelligence, so unpredictable!

Real Jeff Bridges: I tried to escape but the portal CLOSED! It can only be opened again from the outside!

Sam: Wow, you didn’t really think that one through did you? Well, seeing as I opened the portal by coming here, LETS GO HOME!

Real Jeff Bridges: No! That’s exactly what Ridiculously Photoshopped Jeff Bridges wants! He wants to TRICK me into getting close to him so he can steal my Identity Disc! If he has that then he can get into the real world!

Sam: Umm… You said the portal was open right? Surely he could just walk through it now? Why hasn’t he gone already, seriously?

Real Jeff Bridges: Well, I carefully placed it WAAAAYYYYYY on the other side of town.

Sam: So why doesn’t he just come over here and get your identity disc from you? Surely in 20 years he will have found your hideout?

Real Jeff Bridges: Their vehicles can’t travel across this terrain.

Sam: … Yeah, it’s not like they can’t just WALK over here or anything… So, Dad, why did you page me if you don’t need my help in some way?

Real Jeff Bridges: I DIDN’T page you, it was RIDICULOUSLY PHOTOSHOPPED JEFF BRIDGES! He tricked you into coming here!

Sam: … Hang on, it’s possible for your CLONE to page me, but it never crossed your mind to do the same?? A simple “Stuck in digital world, don’t wait up” would have sufficed!

Real Jeff Bridges: Anyway, the point is that Ridiculously Photoshopped Jeff Bridges and I discovered something that would change the world forever!

Sam: What was it!?

Real Jeff Bridges: ISOs!

Sam: Huh?

Real Jeff Bridges: Something to do with algorithms!

Sam: How is that going to change the world?

Real Jeff Bridges: I don’t know, and neither do most of the people in the audience, but that’s not important, what’s important is that Ridiculously Photoshopped Jeff Bridges killed them all, and That Chick From House is the last one!

Sam: Wow, this world is pretty similar to the real world! You got dictators, corruption, genocide… In fact, besides the fact that everything is covered in stupid lights, how is this world any different from our own?

Real Jeff Bridges: Here, we can make motorcycles MATERIALISE out of nowhere!

Sam: SHWEET!

Real Jeff Bridges: There’s no time to lose, you need to go visit some dude for no apparent reason and almost get killed.

Sam: Right, I’m off!

-Sam almost gets killed AGAIN and THAT CHICK FROM HOUSE saves him AGAIN-

Real Jeff Bridges: Son, I now think you’re right, let’s go find the portal and go home.

Sam: How will we get there?

Real Jeff Bridges: We’ll take the cable car.

Sam: … You built a cable car to the portal no-one else was supposed to use? You’re really not as smart as everyone thinks. So when is Tron going to pitch up and save the day?

Real Jeff Bridges: Who?

Sam: Tron? You know; the legendary warrior? It’s the name of the movie?

Real Jeff Bridges: Oh, I think he has a scene near the end of the movie, but then again it could just be some other DOUCHEBAG wearing Christmas tree lights; I’m really not sure.

-Half an hour of pointless, plotless movie follows, the movie seems to comment on religion but then doesn’t. They arrive at the portal-

Real Jeff Bridges: I’m sorry, Ridiculously Photoshopped Jeff Bridges, I was a bad creator, lets be friends again.

Ridiculously Photoshopped Jeff Bridges: No!

-Ridiculously Photoshopped Jeff Bridges makes a running jump for the portal but before he can, Real Jeff Bridges blows up the entire world WITH HIS MIND, killing himself and everyone in it. Sam makes it out safely and finds Bruce Boxleitner-

Sam: Bruce, I’ve decided to take over my fathers company and make it as great as it used to be!

Bruce: Wow, Sam! You seem to have really grown as a person! ISN’T THAT GREAT!

-Sam finds That Chick From House standing by his bike-

Sam: Where the hell did you come from? Just because no-one understands what you are doesn't mean you can just materialise out of nowhere!

That Chick From House: Shut up and ALMOST kiss me, but then don’t.

-They ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after-